Writing a condolence message: what to say, and what not to

When someone you know loses a loved one, the silence feels heavier than the words. Most of us reach for a familiar phrase ("pole sana", "may they rest in peace", "thinking of you") and then wonder if we've said anything at all.

This guide is for the friends, neighbours, and colleagues who want to be present without imposing, and who feel the standard scripts no longer fit.

Skip the platitudes

Some phrases land flatter than we think. "They're in a better place," "everything happens for a reason," and "be strong for the family" are well-meant, but they ask the bereaved to manage your discomfort instead of feeling their own grief. You don't have to fix anything. You only have to be there.

Say their name

Mourners are sometimes afraid that as time passes, the world will stop saying the name of the person they lost. You can change that. "I was thinking about Mwangi this morning," or "I still remember how Aisha laughed at her own jokes," lands harder than any sympathy card.

Offer something specific

"Let me know if you need anything" is generous in spirit but rarely actionable. Better: "I'm bringing dinner on Tuesday; should I leave it at the gate or come in for a moment?" or "I can pick the children up from school this week." A specific offer is easier to accept than an open-ended one.

A short tribute is fine

If you're writing on a memorial page or in a sympathy card, you don't need to summarise their whole life. One memory, told simply, is enough:

"Auntie Wanjiru taught me to plait my own hair when I was nine. She had patience I didn't know adults could have."

That's a complete tribute. It doesn't need a moral or a bow.

Keep showing up

The first week is full of people. The third month is empty. If you remember an anniversary, a birthday, or simply a Tuesday in October when you used to see them together, send a message. Grief stretches longer than the funeral.

We don't say goodbye, just see you later.